Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
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Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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