Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
