OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I met the friendliest cop last night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
