mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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