He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
