Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
