and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Randomize
