Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
