i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
