Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
