I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
