I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is classic penis vs brain.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
