Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
