it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
