I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
