did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
