she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
