I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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