I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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