i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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