Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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