my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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