Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
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I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
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i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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