Can i not drive my cunt home
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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