My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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