I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
