Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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