i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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