Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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