You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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