My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?