Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
