Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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