im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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