I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
