I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
