God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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