We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
His hands were made for my vagina.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
