Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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