i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
