im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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