I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
