i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
