why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
