whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
