I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
