Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
