dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he fucked my hip out of place.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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