Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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