3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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