Barsexuality is the new black.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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