That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
