Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
