I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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