last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
