It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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