We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We were destined to go to rehab together
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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